Sundays are a Day of Rest – by which I mean a Day of talking about the Rest of my life; that is, outside linguistics.
I told myself that I would refrain from discussing two things in this blog: politics and religion. But (and there’s always a but…), since I’ve managed to be so controversial by simply talking about apostrophes, I thought I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.
For those of you who aren’t aware, Scotland is having a referendum on independence in the near future, and there are a lot of differing opinions on the matter.
Rather than explain the opinions, I thought I would have a dialogue between Scotland and the United Kingdom (where Scotland means those who want Scottish independence, and United Kingdom represents England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as a unity.)
* * *
The United Kingdom is watching TV, when Scotland walks in.
Scotland (Sc): All right, pal? You heard the news? We’re having a referendum on independence. How do you like that?
United Kingdom (UK): Sorry, I’m trying to – I’m actually – can you move out the way?
Sc: Yup, that’s right, we’re-a-gonna be independent!
UK: Yes, Good for you.
Sc: Indie-Independent us! No longer with you stealing, self-interested guys doon South!
UK: Mhmm… I’m glad for you. I mean, it doesn’t make much sense to me, but hey, you know what’s best!
Sc: What do you mean, “doesn’t make sense”?
UK sighs and reluctantly turns of the television
UK: Well, I mean, logistically. But, like I said, you’ve gotta do what you feel is best.
Sc: Logistically? Whit? We’ll do better off wi’oot you.
UK: Ha! What about the money we give you all the time? Think about it this way: The whole of Scotland has a population nearly half the size of London, and a tenth of the size of England’s. That’s a lot fewer heads per mile, and so a lot less tax.
Sc: Well, we have a lot of oil you guys just steal from us all the time. We subsidise you, and could keep that money.
UK: Sure. Until it runs out. Aside from anything else, you’re making a mistake in cutting yourself off from a union.
Sc: A one-sided union…
UK: Everyone’s doing what they can to become bigger: look at the EU, for example. We’re stronger this way
UK: Okay, don’t take that personally. We made a mess of a lot of the world. But we never forced you to join the union.
Sc: Liar! We learned about it in school. Have you ne’er seen Braveheart???
UK: Erm… I hate to break it to you, but you asked to join us. You went off to colonise some countries for yourself, only you took wigs and little else, failed and went bankrupt and we had to bail you out. Bet your history lessons missed that bit out, eh?
Sc: Erm. Whatever. Anyhoozlebees, we’ll still be in the EU, just no tied doon by you guys.
UK: You think you’ll be allowed in the EU? Spain would rather chop their right foot off.
Sc: So? One veto willnae dae anything.
UK: Uh huh. If Basque find out that you went “indie-independent” and were allowed to stay in the European Union, they’ll want to go independent, and that war will start over. No way will you be allowed in.
Sc: Right. I didnae realise that. Anyway, who cares? We’re fine on our own. We’re better on our own.
UK: Mate, we make an amazing team.
Sc: See, noo you want us!
UK: It’s true. We founded the welfare state together. You were miles behind us on legalizing homosexuality, and who’s to say whether you ever would have if we weren’t a union?
Sc: Yeah, that’s changed the noo, eh? We were the first country in the UK to have a referendum on Equal Marriage.
UK: You’re leading the way, don’t break off. You can make more difference with us.
UK: What do you want from this?
Sc: Erm… Freedom.
UK: You have your own government.
Sc: More freedom.
UK: You have your own healthcare, your own education system… what more do you want?
UK: Was that a Braveheart reference?
Sc: [coughs] Er…
UK: Oh, I get it. You want Braveheart and tartan blood and thistles and the Flower of Scotland. That’s why you’re lowering the voting age, right?
Sc: Who told you that?
UK: It’s common knowledge. You’re lowering the voting age so all the “FREEDOM” fighters, who don’t use their brains but just blindly want to be patriotic and blindly hate all things non-celtic, can vote. Then you’ll raise it again.
Sc: Erm. Everyone‘s patriotic. We all hate you.
UK: Says the twen-
UK: Says the twenty-se-
UK: Says the twenty-seven percent versus the-
UK: VERSUS THE 60% WHO OPPOSE INDEPENDENCE?
UK: You know you won’t be able to turn around if you do it.
UK: Oh, on you go, have a vote.
Sc: Aye, you’ll see. (Freedom).